I think people traditionally associate fear with things such as horror films, family illnesses, near-miss car accidents, and the occasional nightmare of falling. What may be scarier than these traditional examples is when real life is slowed down to a crawl, magnified like a frame in photoshop, and examined without a filter or special effects. What is possibly the most terrifying of all is when life is examined and it comes to our attention that, whether it has existed before or not, a safety net no longer exists.
This is the predicament I find myself in now that I have made the choice to go on my own, start a law firm, with one and only name on the door, mine, and leave my success or failure up to only one person, me. When I was with my former firm, a mid-size, extremely successful plaintiff’s litigation shop, it was easy to hide amongst the masses. Sure there was work to be done, but the hierarchy and unique flow-chart of positions and responsibilities made it quite difficult to screw up and be blamed for it. In fact, one could develop a false immunity to failure, a sort of superhero “force-field” that could take the most powerful screw up and send it on its way like a fastball turned into a Barry Bonds home run., steroid-aided or not.
Even the most conscientious worker developed a reliance on this safety net and, as such, it became much too easy to just get by, make the money that was offered, and watch year after year pass through with no real sense of accomplishment or growth. And the realization of this, I believe, was the first catalyst in my decision to make the move to going solo.
When those around you, their actions and their reactions to you, clearly are not affected by what you do, you slowly realize that you have little, if any, impact on your world. This is a sad state to find yourself in. When you realize that your paycheck is coming every Friday at 2 PM regardless of what you did or did not do the week leading up, you begin to lose any sense of cause and effect between you and the world around you. In the end, it becomes tempting to just not show up and see how many paychecks pile up on your desk before someone calls to see if you are okay.
It was when I found myself facing these unpleasant realities that I began to consider what it would be like to have my own law practice. It was, in a very real way, the idea of screwing up and having to pay the price for it that became very exciting to me. I certainly did not want nor did I plan to fail. Yet, it was the consideration that failure would now have a reasonable reaction from the world around me that made the work I did become more real, more important, more human.
So, now I am on my own. I do rise or fall on my work-product. I make decisions every day; react to situations every day and each decision and reaction has real consequences. For many, this may seem like “no big deal.” But to me, who for many years had lost the exhilaration of seeing one’s thoughts, feelings and actions matter, being able to fail and knowing there would be a price to pay is nothing short of paradise.
1 response so far ↓
Benjamin K. Sanchez // January 28, 2008 at 6:07 am
With having spent half of my career working for someone else and the other half working for myself, I can certainly understand how you feel. I must issue a caveat, however, because I believe it depends largely on where you work. There are some firms that truly empower their attorneys, set expectations, and react accordingly based on whether or not the attorneys (or staff) reach their goals. What scares me and also gives me a rush is not just how my practice affects me, but how it affects my staff. I was a true solo with no staff the first time around right after being licensed, but now I have three paid staff members. It is a heavy burden , but one I welcome, to be responsible for other people’s livelihoods. My staff and their children depend on me to have a place for them to earn a living wage to pay their bills and fulfill their dreams. Of course, they would move on to someone else if I wasn’t here, but I’m here and so are they! When I think about that, I am deeply humbled and honored that my staff has chosen me to work for and trust with such an important position in their lives!